Mid-Twenties Life Crisis...

I got a call this morning from work saying don't bother coming in because it's dead slow and they can't afford to have me come in.

So I have the week off. Sweet.

I'm looking for jobs and I feel like I don't know where to apply to and I'm feeling lost. Honestly I'm just applying to whatever looks like they hire people who just got out of college and have no experience.

Happy Christmas

This year my dad and brother didn't make the drive from LA to SF and my uncle from Thailand was suppose to come to SF, but cancelled last minute because of work. Maybe it's just me, but it doesn't feel like Christmas this year.

I got called a pussy at work by a co-worker because I was complaining that my dad and brother weren't coming up. They then went on a rant about how family grows apart and blah blah blah, but fuck...I like my family. I don't mind hanging out with them and I don't like it that we didn't spend Thanksgiving or Christmas together this year. If that's what a pussy is then fine. I'm a pussy.

On the bright side, I passed my FIN 350 class! I'm a college grad! Now I hope I can find a real job.

I try not to worry, but you've got me terrified.

This is it. My final for FIN 350 is Monday night. All I have to do is not fail and I'll finally be a college graduate.

Am I nervous? Hell yeah I am.

I need a new job.

There's something about this job I have that rubs me the wrong way.

Maybe I'm being paranoid thinking they want to get rid of me, but I don't know...I feel like I can't trust people there.

Whatever though...I got an email from an old classmate about Marriott looking for help for their international properties so maybe this is my chance to get my foot into a place in Thailand.

Let's cross our fingers and hope something good comes out of this.

Alone Again...Naturally?

This past weekend an old childhood friend of mine got married and it's pretty much all over my facebook. I'm not going to lie it looks like a pretty amazing wedding, something you'd see on TLC or WE channel. Then one of my old co-workers just got engaged and all of a sudden I can hear the clock ticking.

Maybe I'm just meant to be alone and take care of others around me. My great aunt is afraid I'll end up like her...being an old lady who loves her dogs.

But you know what I think I'm ok with that.

(btw if you want to see her pictures it's here: http://blog.ashcraftphoto.net/)

All Dogs Go To Heaven.

I just found out my dog of 14 years passed away yesterday afternoon. According to my dad, she went to take a nap and didn't wake up. She's been sick for the past couple of weeks so my dad knew her time was coming and warned me about it, but it still doesn't make the news sink in faster or anything.

Midnight, you've always been there for us. I hope you're up there getting your ears scratched and your belly rubbed. I love you.

What. The. Hell.

My cousin is graduating from college next year.

I'm SEETHING with jealousy because it's taken me almost 6 years to get my bachelors.

Oh and she's been talking to me about going to USC for her masters.

WHY ARE YOU TAKING MY DREAM AWAY FROM ME?!?!?

Damn you body.

So I've been dealing with a sore throat for the last month. Since the end of July till now and I finally called Kaiser and talked with an advice nurse.

Pretty much they think it's allergy related or I have a virus. I have a telephone appt with my doctor tomorrow at 4:50 and I'll leave class just so we can figure out what the heck my body is doing.

I just want to feel like a somewhat normal human being...as in not feeling sick all the damn time.

Embarrassed

I ran into a friend today while riding on BART.

I've never felt so embarrassed about my life when it came to "so what's been going on with you?"

Because I had nothing to say. I mean I'm not going to tell someone that I'm in debt and my parents are broke as hell and that my aunt is slowly losing her mind and I haven't found my career yet and I don't even have a degree so I can't do anything until I get that because no one is going to offer you an interview if you haven't graduated.

I'm stuck in a retail job serving executive assistants and managers with their lunch order and cookies for the office. And truthfully I don't know what I want to go with my life yet. Let me pay off my debt before I can start really figuring out what I want to do.

I really do hate myself for getting into so much debt.

Balls.

I've been taking Sheldon to the Dog Park in South City and lately the women dog owners there lose their shit when they see he hasn't been neutered yet. Then they go on preaching about how he won't get cancer and stuff and I just nod. Although one guy did come to my defense saying that neutering isn't really that necessary, since Sheldon is the only dog I own and he's not around other dogs (well ok the dog park, but he isn't going around humping every dog there) why even bother putting him through a surgery like that.

It also doesn't help that my mom is against the idea because she's a Buddhist and she believes that if you have something removed during your life you won't have it in the afterlife. She already feels bad because they had to removed her gallbladder a couple of years back.

Anyways...back to the point of all this, I'm not sure if I want to get him neutered. I mean, if they haven't done it when he was younger why do it now?

New job, New beginning

So after being unemployed for 4 months and 12 days (Funny it seemed way longer than that) I finally got hired!

I'm really glad I found a job before school started because I didn't want to have to deal with EDD stopping my payments. And yes I was worried that they were going to stop my payments because I was going back to school. I mean I have some money coming from financial aid, but I wasn't sure how long that money would last me (I suck with money it's terrible).

It's been a while since I've been a newbie somewhere. I've always been the goto person if someone had a question about something. I'm going to have to remember that everything is new and if I have a question just ask instead of assuming I know it all.

One bad thing is during the orientation and filling out paperwork...I forgot to ask how much I was getting paid. Eff. Well either way it'll be more than what I was getting in unemployment.

Bad parent.

Sheldon is growing up.

He's a year and a half old and he's starting to show his bad side. Like he's been wanting to hump things (like my mom's arm). My mom doesn't want to get him neutered because she sees it as a bad sin (it's a Buddhist thing). But lately he's been being really bad like he won't listen to any of my commands and when I tell him to stop barking or doing something he'll just bark back at me or ignore me completely.

Well he's been super clingy to my mom like whenever I leave her room and take him with me he, would bark and bark until I let him go. Then he'll run over to my mom's door and bark some more until I opened the door and let him in. Well lately it's like he's in heat or something because he's been trying to hump my mom's arm twice. Both times I had to pull him off and tell him no that's bad. He tried to do the same time to my leg once, but he hasn't tried to do it since. Anyways fast forward to tonight, Sheldon was with my mom and I was talking to her about something when Sheldon hopped on and started to hump my mom's arm. I read somewhere online of ways to get dogs to stop humping. Some of the suggestions were like using a spray bottle, yelping as if they're hurting you, and flicking the dog to stop. I didn't have a spray bottle and my mom was yelling and he wasn't stopping so I flicked him and I heard the loudest most painful cry I've ever heard out of Sheldon. I felt like the worst pet owner and that PETA was going to come into my house and get me for abusing my dog. Of course Sheldon stopped humping my mom and he just sat there with these sad eyes. My mom at first was like "WHY DID YOU DO THAT IT HURTS!" then afterwards she was like "He stopped, he learned his lesson now"

I just wanted to clear my conscience. I know in the end of the day he'll still love me and I'll still love him. I just hope he gets over this oversexed too much energy dog and start being the well behaved chill dog he is.

Fuck the High Road.

Just once I would like to show and tell everyone who have hurt me in the past years and not feel ashamed or sorry for it.

Womp Womp

I have to keep reminding myself that I should be grateful for the things I have. There's a roof over my head, food in the fridge, family who's there for me, and health insurance!

I feel like I'm 45 instead of 25, I haven't traveled the world, I've only been in 5 states, but I've jumped out of a plane and got a tattoo.

I've been to countless concerts and baseball games, gotten a hug from one of my favorite musicians and baseball players, but no boyfriend.

I told my dad I wanted to be a event/wedding planner and he just shook his head at me and gave me a look that said "you really want to do that with your life?" I've always done what my parents asked me to do, I've valued their opinions to the most and when I didn't want to dissapoint them I've always done what they said. With the exception of the tattoo and hanging out with the ex-best friends who pretty much helped me ruin a good 3 semesters in college. I'm barely coming back from the lack of concentration I had during that time. It's those wrong decisions I made that put me in this predicament right now.

It all started with accounting. If I passed the first time I would have been done in 2008 then I would have probably gone to something else instead of staying at Starbucks where they let me go over a policy misunderstanding.

My mom said that 25 is a scary time in Thai beliefs...it's the crossroad of where you go from child to adult. It's where you'll know if you'll be living the good life or taking hits and blows in the bad life.

Things were going good for me when I turned 25, but I seriously think 26 is going to kick my ass.

No more advice from you please

I'm so sick of certain people giving me job advice right now. Especially since these people are unemployed themselves and think they know what it takes to get a job right now.

Yeah let me see you use your "knowledge" and get a job first. I mean it must be working for you since you don't actually have a job at this moment and you've been receiving many "Thank you, but we've decided to pursue other applicants" calls and emails.

Yes I would like a job right now, yes I'm looking for one, no I haven't heard back from these employers. What am I doing wrong here? Can people sense the sadness in my resume? Are they seeing me as some depressed girl who got fired over something petty? I mean if I can't get a part time job as a barista then I don't know why I can't get a job right now. I'm at my wits end right now and I really don't know what to do next. I'm getting pressured by family to find something and right now because they think I sit on my ass all day and do nothing.

A certain person told me to go look for jobs at Cache Creek because lots of jobs opened up. So I checked it out...this place is roughly a two hour drive from my house to there one way. That's kind of far for me, but I won't complain because I know people who have longer commutes than that and they take public transportation. But anyways the jobs they have opened are for golf pros and well...I'm not where close to being a golf pro. They also have jobs that I'm qualified for, but they're part time positions and I just don't think the commute is worth working 15-25 a week. When I mentioned this to the person they said, "If there is a will there is a way". Well my will doesn't want to work $10 an hour and spend 4-5 hours driving to a job.

It sounds like I'm making excuses and I hate that about myself. What's the point of writing if it's going to make me feel like shit with what I have to say. I give up...I am a nobody with nothing going for myself.

I'm not ready to grow up

Can we pause time for a while so I can figure out what the heck I'm suppose to be doing.

Where are you now?

Sometimes I wonder why I still have friends.

Yesterday I didn't go to a get together one of my old co-workers invited me, I figure they weren't butt hurt about it because no one sent me a text about it. I just wasn't in the mood to socialize and pretend I care about their problems (which is usually about a guy and the whole situation would have been prevented if they didn't overreact to something the guy did or didn't do).

And the people who I really want to hang out with and talk with are busy with their own lives that I don't want to bother them or they just don't live up here. I've always felt like I'm bothering them and I really don't want to be that friend who always calls and sees what's going on and find my way to hang out with them. Yeah I don't want to be that leech friend that people seem to always have.

I just feel like I can't do anything right. My aunt found out I'm out of a job so now she's giving me job advice and telling me where they're hiring. Why does she think I'm on the computer so much? I'm freaking looking at jobs and researching the companies that are hiring. Most of the stuff I've seen and applied for sent me an email saying "thank you, but no thank you" or I do get an interview and I never get a call back (even after sending a thank you email/follow-up call)

I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know if I can get out of it.

Some good news

After stressing out over whether or not I get unemployment, I received a check yesterday. It's a huge load off my shoulders, but I'm still looking for someone to hire me. It's been two weeks since I've heard from the hotel so I'm giving them a call on Tuesday (Mondays are bad for some reason) for a follow up.

Come on higher powers...I'd like to get a job soon.

Day 30 of being unemployed.

I'm losing my mind over here, but at the same time I'm still feeling the same stress level as I did when I was working.

You know what sucks about being unemployed? NO MONEY! I'm about to run out of it! I'm seriously trying to find ways to cover my bills right now. My last resort is to cash out my stocks and just live off that for a while (which I don't want to do).

And you know what else...I'm really lonely. When I had a job, my favorite part was going to work and chatting it up with my co-workers (now friends) heck I even miss some of the customers that came in. Also my aunt said that she was going to get a dog because one of her friends had to give it away, but I think she was just bullshiting and so no dog.

If there's one lesson I learned it's don't get your hopes set on high.

Song of the Moment

FM Radio (Schuyler Fisk and Tim Myers) - Be My Only



I can tell by the way you look at me
you need to be mine
we could sit watch the stars all night till they
disappear into the sky

I am yours
and I know that you're mine
you're worth waiting for
you're worth waiting for

be my only
be my only
be my only
your hand in mine
I swear love speeds up time
and wind blows southern skies
like a lullaby
wasn't hard to fall
your love's a wrecking ball

watch your hands move along my face they trace
all the lines I've lived
it isn't hard to love your scars 'cause that's
everywhere you've been

I am yours
and I know that you're mine
you're worth waiting for
you're worth waiting for

be my only
be my only
be my only
your hand in mine
I swear love speeds up time
and wind blows southern skies
like a lullaby
you're tearing down my walls
your love's a wrecking ball

you're the one I'll compare all the others to
like sunny weather
you're the one that I'll always come back to
forever

be my only
be my only
be my only
your hand in mine
I swear love speeds up time
and wind blows southern skies
like a lullaby
the good the bad I take it all
your love's a wrecking ball

Unemployed.

Unemployment sucks.

It's like I'm getting a lot of interviews, but no one is saying "I like you you're hired" and the closest I got the person interviewing me said I would assimilate well at the place, but because I said I got fired it looks bad.

I'm not a good liar, I know that. But I know the one time I don't say I got fired the company I apply for finds out I got fired and won't hire me because I lied.

I just feel really stupid right now and clueless about this whole thing. I have an appointment with EDD next week about my job search maybe they'll give me some tips on closing the deal.

More Soul Pancake stuff...

What five things would you want to tell your unborn children?

1. Be happy with who you are, you'll find that your true friends won't change a thing about you.
2. Weed and getting drunk isn't anything to celebrate about.
3. Be nice, be humble, and work hard. You'll see that it'll pay off later.
4. Smile at someone when you're walking down the street, you'll always make someone's day that way.
5. You are awesome no matter what!

List 5 people who ruined the decade for you.

1. People who are only famous because of Reality TV: GTFO you're 15 minutes of fame is up.
2. George W. Bush...do I really have to say why?
3. Miley Cyrus...you're dad is using you to get back in the spotlight. oh and act you're age.
4. Sarah Palin...How the fuck did she become a Governor? I get chills thinking about what would have happened if she was our Vice President.
5. The author of Twilight: Leave the vampire stuff for Anne Rice.

List 5 changes you want to make to yourself

1. Be a saver and not a spender
2. Be more active rather than being a couch potato
3. Be bold and adventurous
4. Write more
5. Be a better friend

More over at http://www.soulpancake.com

Because I don't want to sleep.

Thanks to Soul Pancake

List 3 subliminal messages that infiltrated your brain today.

1. Start cleaning your room
2. Join the gym already
3. stop spending money and pay off your debt.

Write a five-item list of things you’d actually be willing to chop off your pinkie-toe for.

1. A cure for Alzheimer's
2. Making same sex marriages legal.
3. No more racism
4. Universal health care
5. All the cash I want

What five books should everyone read—and why?

1. Catcher In The Rye [J.D. Salinger] This book probably saved my life and I think every teenager who thinks the world is against them should read it and know that they're not the only ones who think that all of society are phonies.
2. Where the Sidewalk Ends [Shel Silverstein]: Kids and adults should read this book and remember it's OK to have an imagination.
3. Green Eggs and Ham [Dr. Seuss] The man taught millions to "don't knock it before you try it"
4. Charlotte's Web [E.B. White] Friends will do whatever it takes to help you out and even when they go away (or die in Wilbur's case) they'll always be with you (or baby spiders like for Wilbur)
5. Charlie and The Chocolate Factory (Roald Dahl) If you're good and you're not selfish, you'll get your chocolate factory one day.

Write a five-item list of things about you that are way more interesting than what you do to pay the bills.

1. I can build my own computer
2. I thought I had vitiligo as a kid because of the birthmark on my neck.
3. I learned English as a kid thanks to PBS
4. I want to open my own restaurant when I have enough money, but before I do that I want to travel to Thailand and parts of Latin America and work on mixing those two cuisines together.
5. I'm really a lot happier than what I appear to be online, I just really dislike my job.

List five things you’re glad you tried.

1. Sky Diving
2. Heartbreak
3. Getting a tattoo
4. Not giving a shit about anything
5. Going to as many concerts as I could in '09

Hello Seattle

I went to Seattle a couple of weeks ago and I'm in love with this city.

I've only been to a few other cities in my short life, (LA, SF, SD, LV, Sacramento, and Orlando) and by far Seattle is my favorite. Being there really let me think about where I am in my life and what I'm doing about making it better.

Well I realized that I wasn't doing anything to make things better. I'm still in debt (probably in more debt now because of Seattle & my upcoming trip to LA to see Jason Mraz) I still work the job I've had since a junior in college and I'm still single.

Ok the latter isn't a big deal, but damn I kick myself after I leave the bank because I haven't done anything to get the ball rolling with banker guy. Sometimes I think that it's just not gonna happen, but of course nothing is going to happen if I don't do anything about. Then I read my twitter feed and see this from The Daily Love: Love is always on time and never in a hurry. Take it slooooow! That's the same advice a friend of mine gave me. I guess it's true then.

I went off on a tangent. Anyways back to Seattle, it's a beautiful city even when there's grey skies and drizzle. I hope to see myself living up there one day.